we will be back in brooklyn again in 7 days. we have been gone for 84 days. living out of the same suitcase, or the really cool shelving unit curtis made for the bus, for the last 84 days. we have slept in 13 different beds and in 15 different location. i told curtis the other day that these kind of summers change me. that this summer has changed me. i told him this while driving over some dusty mountain pass. i told him this while my legs were sunburned and freckly on the top and sweaty and stuck to my seat on the back.
i suppose what i really mean is that i know myself a little better today. all thanks to a run down ocean front motel, an open west bound highway, a very hot oklahoma garage, a book or two (the hungering dark & fahrenheit 451), family, both sides, and most of all, sleeping in the bus next to curtis.
i learned that perfection stresses me out and gives me a knotty right shoulder. but i also learned that beauty is a good value and a holy desire. i learned that excitement and anxiety sometimes act the same way in my body and heart and that praying deeply and walks cure most worked up stomachs. i learned that i crave time alone with curtis and that after a couple games uno i can see him better. i learned that relationships really can heal and become new and true. i learned that i will probably always battle the temptation to worry all the days of my life and that i need to be reminded everyday that his heart is to prosper and not to harm. i learned that i want so badly to be brave and confident but that fear and self doubt are never to far away from my heart. i learned again that i need a savior. and that curtis does too. and pretty much so does everyone i know. i also learned that i am not a savior and neither is curtis. i learned the power of a dream and how beautiful and scary it can be when they come true but how heart breaking it feels when deep dreams are deferred.
