we were the first ones to church. in fact, when we got there the hired talent was still warming up, singing scales and tinkering on the piano. it was 10:30 and the christmas eve service was not scheduled to start for another 30 minutes. we were all a little embarrassed and quickly buried our noses in either solitaire, twitter, instagram or npr. take your pick jesus.

i was not expecting much and i definitely felt like a visitor. an eternal visitor. up to that point, my christmas spirit had gone missing and maybe, just maybe a small part of my heart hoped that going to a fire light service with my family would help me find the part of me that lives in awe on that hillside where angels sang a new song for some very fortunate shepherds.

the minister ministered and the talent sang songs in french that made me smile and soften. and then i heard these words…

“i am the lord’s maid servant. let it be with me just as you say.”

i have grown up hearing the birth story of jesus and i am well informed of all the key players: old joe, a terrifying arch-angel, some smelly wise men, a few wide-eyed shepherds and maybe a beast or two. and of course, mary. the infamous mary. this very young girl has caused churches to split, pilgrims to walk and artists to create work that takes your breath away.

mary, in the face of social disgrace and a potential world full of loneliness and shame, said yes. and declared herself a slave for life. a maid-servant to the most high.

those two words, maid-servant, have gotten stuck in me and i think they are going to be hanging around a bit. i am mulling them over and over and asking lots of questions.

what if she had said no?

did she ever go back on her word?

did she feel abandoned?

did he break her heart?

any regrets?

why her?

why not me? (not to be the mother of god himself… but to be a mother at all?)

could i say yes too?

will i say yes too?