miss flannery o’connor once said “once you have discredited his (God’s) goodness, you are done with him” (mystery and manners). i have wondered about this statement for the last few days and i believe that miss o’connor is correct.

i cussed God two nights ago more than i have ever cussed him before. my heart was so full of anger and disbelief that even i was surprised with some of the words that flew out of my mouth. this last round of infertility treatment has left me. its just left me.

have you ever heard of the four insatiables? curtis and i stumbled across these verses in the book of proverbs about a week ago and they have been sitting heavy in our hearts ever since. solomon the wise states that there are four things that are never satisfied: hell, a barren womb, a parched land and a forest fire. do you notice where a barren womb sits in this lovely group? right after hell. hell. right after hell.

the timing of this biblical discovery was not great. but at least it was honest. other “if, then” verses seem gamey and suspicious. and i guess, in the deep but true parts of my heart, that is how i see God right now, a suspicious game player. now, i have been here before. we have been here before. but for some reason, we have taken the hardest hit this time around and i am not sure why. my friendship with the trinity feels different. wounded and ripped.

some of you reading this might give me your pity. some of you might want to give me some “perspective”. others might want to give me some theological, long-winded explanation of what the four insatiables really mean. i am not asking for any of this. i am not asking for anything other than a place to process and purge. 

i believe that today my faith journey has changed. i am not done with God, but his goodness is up for debate in my heart. today, i can’t imagine ever being able to trust the Lord again with my desire to have a baby, my desire to be satisfied.

curtis and i have decided to stop medically trying to have a baby. our last round ended with one line instead of two and we can not go any further. mentally, emotionally, and obviously spiritually, it is just too much for us. it is a sad, sad decision to make and the consequences feel heavy. fear has set in and they are long and deep. the biggest being my own heart. i don’t want to have a hard heart. i don’t want a bitter spirit. i don’t want to be insatiable.

God’s goodness is an old debate but i believe it is still alive and kicking in the hearts of believers and unbelievers alike. it is for me. and right now it separates me from having any desire to be close to God.

i am resisting the urge to end on some happy, spiritual note. i am not happy and my spiritual health is questionable. so i will leave you here.