i think i mentioned that i got lots and lots of books for christmas. well, i did. in fact i got 21 books for christmas. some of them are for reading, some are for learning and the majority are for looking. looking and absorbing and awing.

one of the books that has me caught up is andrew wyeth’s collection of sketches and paintings called the helga pictures. wyeth is an american painter mostly known for his famous piece christina’s world, 1948. which by the way, i have the pleasure of seeing up close and personal anytime i want. oh the joys of my pratt id that allows me access into any museum this great city has to offer. anyway, wyeth is a master watercolor painter and i am completely in awe of the way he expresses himself and how he sees his world. he is my favorite mixture of fantasy portrayed by a relentless truth. in fact truth was his obsession and i am interested in his take on it. he once said:

“i have such a strong romantic fantasy about things-and that’s what i paint, but come to it through realism. If you don’t back up your dreams with truth, you have a very round-shouldered art.”

fantasy through realism. i am going to have to think on this for a while. my tendency is to separate the two, but maybe that does each a sad disservice. maybe they are connected in ways that illuminate the other and where they do touch, there lies the magic. like i said, i am going to have to think on this a while. mean while i will continue to enjoy this man and his art.

look him up when you have the chance.

you won’t be disappointed.

loves.

ps: if you want to look at an example of the helga pictures, click here. this will connect you to my other blog, which serves as a place to hold all of my visual inspirations and ideas. 

brooklyn, brooklyn, take me in…

is it possible to build a life here?

can this really be a home for i and love and you?

there is no, no way, of denying that no matter where life takes us,

the one-one-two-one-one

has secured a secure place in my heart. forever more. this might be my love song to you and i hope you hear my cry singing true and long. yes i am crushing hard. 

i had a dream last night that was the best yet…

someone, a little one, drew all over my white couch and i did not care a lick. in fact, i bragged about it. building my own small shrine and yes there is mud on my face.

these are the moments of my salvation that can either draw me close or send me packing and honestly

i prefer to be seduced.

he was headed to vegas to see a rock and roll band.

i can’t remember which one.

the word “jagermeister” was stretched long and tight across his chest.

you could tell it was his best rock and roll t-shirt.

he met a stripper that was 7 feet tall and flat on both sides.

you could tell it was his best stripper joke.

his forearms were short and his fingernails flat.

a perfect combo for a mailman, i suppose.

his buzzcut was salt and peppered and by the way

the chinese food in the baltimore airport is “overrated”.

he asked us if we have ever heard of the band skunk puppies

and we said no.

we were the first ones to church. in fact, when we got there the hired talent was still warming up, singing scales and tinkering on the piano. it was 10:30 and the christmas eve service was not scheduled to start for another 30 minutes. we were all a little embarrassed and quickly buried our noses in either solitaire, twitter, instagram or npr. take your pick jesus.

i was not expecting much and i definitely felt like a visitor. an eternal visitor. up to that point, my christmas spirit had gone missing and maybe, just maybe a small part of my heart hoped that going to a fire light service with my family would help me find the part of me that lives in awe on that hillside where angels sang a new song for some very fortunate shepherds.

the minister ministered and the talent sang songs in french that made me smile and soften. and then i heard these words…

“i am the lord’s maid servant. let it be with me just as you say.”

i have grown up hearing the birth story of jesus and i am well informed of all the key players: old joe, a terrifying arch-angel, some smelly wise men, a few wide-eyed shepherds and maybe a beast or two. and of course, mary. the infamous mary. this very young girl has caused churches to split, pilgrims to walk and artists to create work that takes your breath away.

mary, in the face of social disgrace and a potential world full of loneliness and shame, said yes. and declared herself a slave for life. a maid-servant to the most high.

those two words, maid-servant, have gotten stuck in me and i think they are going to be hanging around a bit. i am mulling them over and over and asking lots of questions.

what if she had said no?

did she ever go back on her word?

did she feel abandoned?

did he break her heart?

any regrets?

why her?

why not me? (not to be the mother of god himself… but to be a mother at all?)

could i say yes too?

will i say yes too?

where to start…

where to start…

i am a sleepy ball of unfinished projects and blisters. my work seems more real in my head than it does on paper or on my computer screen. i think i am going to like teaching and that is a relief my friends. i got new shoes that make me feel (you fill in the blank). these days, my curtis has felt like a new crush and i love it. i miss lots and lots of people but instead of feeling sad about it, i feel determined. i love seeing old black men reading the bible on the train and i love seeing hipsters mess up their hair real good before getting off at bedford. both make me feel human and caring. i have returned to my dear friend but proceeding with caution… sort of. i have two new years resolutions: one, to brush my teeth twice a day. not once but twice. and two, to never wear leggings again. or not so much. i am afraid my leggings have lulled me into a false sense of what my body actually looks like. i got 16 new books for christmas and five teeny, tiny watercolor brushes. all 21 items make me very happy. i am trying to live in wonder and belief everyday, even today. i am searching for the lost virgin and hope to find her in a museum, on amazon or in my heart. i am not sure i am cool enough to get off facebook permanently. brooklyn is my home tonight and i am thankful. i have come out of hibernation and i am more me than ever before. yes. yes. yes.

where to start…