maryemilyblogs

dreamer...literally.

i am a dreamer. literally i dream every night. every night. they are full of story, color, emotion and dialog. sometimes there is music and sometimes they are silent. a couple of weeks ago i had a dream that was so scary that i could feel chills going up and down the top of my thighs. sometimes i think i would be good at writing horror movies! seriously.

sometimes they are about sharks. i have a dream about sharks once a month without fail. these are the most terrifying! i am always trying to get away or hide. this is strange considering i have been landlocked my entire life. very weird.

sometimes they are deep. i sometimes have dreams that i am pregnant. very detailed dreams. like getting to hear the babies heartbeat or telling curtis for the first time and getting to see his reaction. mornings after these dreams are sad mornings.

sometimes they are magical. last night i had a dream that i was running to meet curtis somewhere. i was running through a city and it was around christmas time. the air was thick with humidity. so thick that it gave all the little twinkling lights a fuzzy glow that was beautiful. i ran by a piano player who was playing the most incredible music. i don’t just love the piano all by itself, but this music was perfect. when i met curtis, who was running to meet me too, we just held each other for the longest time. he had his shirt off and he felt warm and cool all at the same time.

sometimes they are important. when curtis and i were trying to make the decision to go back to school to pursue art and music i had a dream that i was sitting in this HUGE room. the ceilings were like 3o feet high and the walls were covered in canvas. the room was full of wooden desks that were covered in the grime of creativity. we were supposed to be sort of painting off of each other. creating one big piece but i was stuck to my seat. too nervous to jump in. the teacher, a tall, thin, asian man came up behind me, put his hand on by back and gave me a gentle push. he said “go, this is for you.” so i went. i started to paint, to contribute and it was awesome. i woke up excited and confirmed.

sometimes they are for others. about six months ago i was woken out of a dead sleep by my brother standing at the foot of my bed saying my name in a very loud and clear voice. it was not scary but it was firm. so i prayed for my brother for a while that night.

sometimes they are nothing. just random thoughts and feelings, colors and images working themselves out.

i actually love to dream. it usually is a good place for me.

totally mine. totally his.

i am a dreamer. literally.

DAY TWELVE:

“hold out your hand.”

he held it out-it was good as new!

i wonder if every time he used his hand or even just looked at his hand, if he thought of Jesus and the day he was given a “do over”. i wonder if he thought of you? i wonder what it would be like to have a dead, useless body part and then BAM! it works. good as new. father, is this what my heart is like? my body? my life? i wonder if he ever used that hand for stealing or violence. or degrading. either himself or someone else. i wonder, as time wore on, if he ever found himself forgetting. forgetting what he used to be like. forgetting you. i doubt it. i am sure he never forgot. you are more about my entire body - heart, soul, mind - my life.

but my body is not perfect.

give a testimony

this night, three years ago i walked into my first ever bikram yoga class and my life changed forever.

i came decked out in sweats and a 1oo% cotten t-shirt thinking i was about to enjoy 45 minuets of nice, gentle stretching. well…

i walked out, 9o minuets later looking like i had just jumped in a pool! curtis was going to pick me up right after class to go have dinner with some students in boulder and i did not have a change of clothes but i didn’t care. i sat in the car, stinking of sweat, with a huge smile on my face. it was like my body had awaken. it had been called to life by the heat and sweat. by the call to struggle and breathe.

i could not wait to go back.

what brought me into the studio that night three years ago was not because i wanted to become a more centered person. it was not because i wanted to loose weight. and it was not because i wanted to get a “good work out in”. no i was there because i was sick. and up to that point my only real option was to start taking a steroid everyday, maybe for the rest of my life. all my life i have had stomach problems. over the last 1o years i have been diagnosed with crohn’s disease, ibs, and micro-colitis. i have had two colonoscopies and two endoscopies. i was sick and frustrated and was really hoping for another way. so my doctor at the time said that if i drastically changed my diet and my lifestyle i could possibly avoid a lifetime of harsh drugs.

so for about two months i did not eat any meat, dairy, sugar or caffeine. i basically lived on fruit and veggies, bananas and natural peanut butter and organic soups.

and yoga. lots and lots of yoga. sometimes six days a week. and it was wonderful.

i knew for the first time in a long time what it was like to be healthy. to not feel sick and tired all the time! the sweat helped me detoxify and get rid of things my body had been hanging onto for years. bikram yoga is based on the method of compression and release. you compress your muscles in different poses (26 different poses) for about a minuet at a time and then when you release all this wonderful, fresh blood rushes in and heals and restores.

and guess what? over the last three years i have had only three small flair ups! three! that’s pretty amazing considering for the past 1o years i would have about one to two days a week that i actually felt good and did not have a stomach ache.

it’s amazing. and a real blessing. besides the health of my stomach improving, here are a few more benefits i have experienced from my yoga practice:

a change in lifestyle. yoga has encouraged me to eat well.

yoga has taught me discipline. that it is possible for someone like me to find real joy in doing something everyday.

my stress level went way down. stress can be a huge factor in good health and yoga has been one of the things God has used in my life to help me de-stress.

the day i started yoga i also gave up caffeine and carbonated beverages. carbonation breaks down the lining of your stomach i was killing mine with all the diet coke!

i have learned to be more patient and forgiving of myself and with others.

i have about 1o more but this post is long enough so you get the idea…

ANYWAY, i am thankful for yoga. i am thankful that i walked into that studio three years ago and that God has provided ways for me to practice every week since. i am thankful for curtis who has encouraged me to go, even on days when i don’t feel like it. i am thankful for all the teachers i have had who have pushed me and brought out the best in me. i am thankful for the community full of kind and great people.

so thank you thank you God for yoga. you are at work in all things and i know that my practice brings honor to you.

that’s my testimony.

namaste.